We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

What do you wear when you meet an ex-boyfriend for tea to give him back his stuff? You don't want to try too hard because you're obviously over him, but you also want him to know what he missed out on and that you're better off without him. And maybe, just maybe, you want him to think you're better than the bimbo he's supposedly moved on with. Well this is what I wore to such an occasion.

Is it silly to admit that I even googled "what to wear when meeting an ex-boyfriend?" It wasn't even because I was nervous, because I wasn't. I just wanted to make sure I looked as good as I feel since having let him go. And while we're being honest here, it bothered me too that I was so concerned about looking good for him. It just confused me because I knew I didn't have feelings for him, and up until the moment he texted me wanting to meet, I hadn't really given him much thought. So why did it matter what I looked like when I saw him? Why did I feel the need to buy a new top just for the occasion? I couldn't come up with an answer other than just because. Because I needed to prove to him, and to myself, that I really have moved on, and that I've been the happiest I've been in a long time. Because my friend told me that there's a winner in every breakup. And per my usual competitive self, because I wanted to be that winner. A lot to expect from an outfit right? But I didn't take the advice on Google to dress this way or that way. I know this outfit doesn't look like much, but it made me feel good. And in the end, I just wanted to look myself because being myself is finally enough for me. Of course a little mascara and lip gloss never hurt anyone either. Something that my google search never told me? Just how much seeing him again would validate everything--the independence, the happiness, the confidence--I've been working on. It was just so oddly satisfying and empowering feeling nothing when seeing him. I really have moved on and have closed that chapter of my life. I rang in the new year with good friends. I am just so excited for this upcoming year and all the adventures heading my way. 2011 will always be the year I lost 25 pounds; 2012 was the year of changes; and 2013 is going to be a good year because I'm going to make it good.

Until next post,
Jasmine

cardigan - h&m
top - g-stage
jeans - gap
necklace - madison bleu
shoes - american eagle
bag - michael kors

Sunday Morning

Robert came back home to visit me over Labor Day weekend, and it was the most perfect weekend I've had in a really long time. It was just so indescribably good to see him again in real life. On Saturday, we shopped for work clothes for him and just relaxed with a movie and online TV. On Sunday, we went to the Great Park flea market as soon as we woke up. I was trying to find some accessories or knick-knacks for my room, but I didn't find anything. Still, it was just fun going up and down the rows of vendors and looking at their junk/treasure piles. I kept seeing things that I would've liked to put in my imaginary apartment. I cannot wait to finish up with grad school and begin life on my own, and when I do, the first place I'm going to go for furniture will be this flea market. It was filled with so many possibilities. Robert was able to score a few vintage Batman and Superman comic books that he's super excited about. After the flea market, we grabbed Japanese BBQ for lunch. I then took him to see my fieldwork site, and next to is a cafe where we got some yummy pastries. To walk off our lunch and dessert, we shopped some more and I scored a pair of trousers from Gap for $17. I really liked my outfit that day. It was just the perfect outfit for the perfect day.

I wore this top again yesterday for the first day of school with our students, and I gotta say...our third graders are awesome! I've been so tired, but it's more of a good, happy tired.

Until next post,
Jasmine

top - francesca's collections

skirt - cotton on

belt - charlotte russe

sandals - h&m

bag - madewell

sunglasses - raybans

Since You Been Gone

If you're sick of seeing this skirt on me, I'm sorry but it's just so easy to wear with any top. And on this particular day, I wasn't concerned with my outfit so much. I've been wanting to do a photo-shoot with Robert for a while so it seemed like the perfect time to do one a few days before he left. I wanted to wear an outfit that was simple and classic so I can look back on them without thinking "what was I thinking wearing that?!" The photo-shoot itself didn't turn out the way I wanted. It was way too hot, even at 9:30 AM. We were both getting restless in the heat but I managed to get a few good shots.

It's weird writing about something that Robert and I did because he's not here anymore. I was lucky to get two extra days with him. We watched a movie in the park on Saturday night and after sitting on a blanket on wet grass, I've been sick since Sunday. I'm glad towards the end I was feeling well enough to cross off a few things before he left. We visited the coffee shop where we had our first date and got the same drink we did 5+ years ago. We went to the beach together one last time. We watched movies and talked a lot. We ate at our favorite restaurants. Even though he's there now, it still doesn't feel real. School resumes today so I'm grateful to be busy and I'm excited to start fieldwork and student teaching. It's going to be an interesting year to say the least.

Until next post,
Jasmine

t-shirt - gap

skirt - urban outfitters

belt - h&m

sandals - h&m

One More Night

Last Wednesday, Robert and I made a trip up to LA to spend the day in Santa Monica. It used to be a yearly tradition to spend a day walking along Third Street Promenade and Santa Monica Pier, but as time went on and as we got busier, it got harder to take a day off. We have spent a few anniversaries there so it was really nice to be back there together before he leaves. It finally started feeling like Summer last week weather-wise, and since I knew I'd be doing a lot of walking, I went for a super casual and comfortable outfit. I had planned to wear a dress, but I feel more free in shorts than in a dress. I've been really moody lately, which I guess is understandable with everything going on right now. Robert leaves tomorrow morning and I'm dreading having to say goodbye to him at the airport. Though I always choose comfort over style, it is especially so when I'm moody. I've just been filled with so much anger, frustration, sadness, and anxiety lately. Maybe I should get back into yoga, but I really just can't wait for school to resume so I'll be kept busy. Everything is just so complicated right now and that's not how I like any aspect of my life to be.

Until next post,
Jasmine

t-shirt - gap

shorts - j. crew

belt - cotton on

watch - nordstroms

Can't Hurry Love

It's only been a week into August and I already know that I'm not going to stick to my budget this month. I'm going to try my hardest, but considering that I've already bought three tops, it's really unlikely. This is definitely going to be the most expensive month since I need to replace all my jeans and buy appropriate fieldwork clothes. I need pants, but I hate pants shopping, which is probably why I've come home with three new tops and zero pants in my recent shopping trips. This easy, basic, breezy tank is one of my new tops. It doesn't look like much, but it takes a lot for me to want to go sleeveless and so if I find a tank that makes me feel comfortable enough to do that then it is coming home with me.

Robert surprised me by taking me to this cool underpass to take outfit pictures yesterday. It's deserted enough for me to come back here on my own to take self-pictures once he leaves for school in Hawaii, which is next week. I've become quite the emotional wreck since I've been able to count down our days on my two hands. Everything is becoming so sentimental, and I just can't handle all the emotions I'm experiencing: anxiousness, nostalgia, vulnerability, excitement, sadness, loneliness, fear, etc. We're visiting all of our favorite places and some new places we didn't get a chance to go to in this last week together. One of the last things we'll do is go back to the coffee shop where we had our first date and order the same drink (a white chocolate mocha) to bookend this chapter in our lives. I know I'm going to lose it at the coffee shop. I just keep telling myself that this is for the best, that we both need this time apart to grow as individuals before/if we are to ever get back together. The worst part of this whole thing is that I'm losing my very best friend who won't be able to comfort me the only way he knows how.

I'm usually the one with the plan, but I don't know how I'm going to do this...It's going to be the hardest yet most exciting year of my life. I don't think I'm ready but it's all about to start very soon.

Until next post,
Jasmine

cardigan - gap

tank top - forever 21

shorts - gap

belt - h&m

necklace - brandy melville

shoes - j. crew

Letting Go, For Now

This post has been sitting as a draft for weeks now. I didn't think I'd ever finish writing it, let alone actually publish it (well I'm trying to convince myself with each additional word I write). But Tieka's recent post, and the positive and supportive response she received from her readers has given me the strength and courage to be a little more vulnerable than usual here. I've also had such a great support system around me. I have the best friends in real life and here in the blogging world. Like Tieka, I am naturally a cheerful person and so my blog posts too tend to be cheery. So what I'm about to say will probably come as a shock to those of who don't already know.

Robert and I broke up in February, a few days after our 5th anniversary. But we still hung out afterwards, trying to figure things out and make things work--which explains why recently I've posted pictures of us going to the beach and other places. I'm thankful to have had those wonderful moments with him to look back on because I think some of those days were the best we've ever had. I think I needed that extra time to reassure myself that it was the right decision for us, and to accept that there'd be no more Jasmine-and-Robert anymore. But for now, it's all over. I'm just Jasmine now. And I'm okay with it. Really.

It has been a long time coming actually. Months prior to the break up, I had been feeling a little suffocated, and he had been feeling a little neglected. I wanted to spread my wings, and be a little more independent. I reconnected with my friends, and it was hard balancing everything, especially in the Fall and Winter with school, work, and applications all going on too. Resentful feelings had built between the two of us, and in the end, we just realized we weren't making each other as happy as we used to. We didn't even fight about it. The break up was truly mutual. Since the break up, we've toyed with the idea of getting back together, but I think we were just trying to hold on to something that just isn't there anymore--the passion and need for each other. I think we've outgrown each other. We're just not the same people we fell in love with in high school. I can't be that girl anymore, and I don't want to be--just as I can't expect him to be that same guy he was five years ago. For now, I just want to immerse myself into graduate school and my career, and to be honest, I just want to be selfish for once. I want to do what I want, when I want to, and with who I want to. I want to be single, not so I can date other people, but so I can learn to be and to love myself again. I feel like in the years we've been together, I've lost a lot of myself and I didn't really like the person I had become either. But I'm slowly getting me back. I'm glad we can part amicably and as friends. I'm also relieved that I don't regret our relationship, and I will be forever grateful for all that he has done for me. He was there for me when I needed it most. I know we'll still be friends because he's become my best friend over the years, but it's definitely time for me to walk on my own two feet again.

He'll be going to the University of Hawaii for a second bachelor's in Computer Science in the Fall, and I have decided to go to UCI, which starts in a few weeks actually. I'm sure we'll hang out a few more times before he leaves, but I'm so happy that we're both following our dreams. It just seems like everything is falling into place and has happened for a reason. I usually don't like change, and yet I can't help be a little excited that my life is going to change drastically from all of this. I'm going to be single for really the first time, and I'm going to be a grad student. One thing I hope won't change is Transient Withdrawal. Even though Robert took my photos, I've been getting better at self-portraits so bear with me until I get into that new routine. I'm excited for the new adventures that are coming my way, and I hope that you all will stay and experience them with me!

Until next post,
Jasmine

Breakaway

This is the outfit I wore on my day off last Thursday. Even though I'm currently in an outfit rut, this outfit came together pretty easily because I knew I wanted it to be non-fussy for the beach trip and shopping ahead. Robert and I started off the morning slow--staying a while in bed, snuggling, and watching a few episodes of "Friends." We then grabbed a quick bite for lunch and some snacks. Instead of driving south along Pacific Coast Highway to our normal beach, we decided to head north to Huntington Beach. We parked on Main Street, and walked the strip where there were little boutiques and restaurants. It was so nice taking our time so we could enjoy each others' company and the beautiful sunshine. Before heading to the beach, we grabbed an ice cream sandwich from The Scoop on Cookies. It was such a beautiful day to go to the beach. It wasn't too crowded, and the waves were huge. We spread out a blanket, brought out our snacks, tried to read, gave up on reading, and just ended up talking. Afterwards, we did a little shopping and had sushi for dinner. It was such a simple and carefree day, but to me those are the best days. I don't need a whole lot to be happy.

Until next post,
Jasmine

cardigan - gap

dress - h&m

belt - h&m

necklace - brandy melville

watch - nordstroms

sunglasses - raybans

Hanging By a Moment

Yesterday I luckily had the day off of work, and so Robert and I had the one of the best days I've had in a long while. I wanted to just quickly bottle these happy feelings before they escape and are pushed away by work or school. Lately, I've been swinging like a pendulum between being overwhelmed by my anxiousness about my future, and being underwhelmed by the daily grind of work, blogging, and school. I think this inevitably comes along with the transition period I'm in. Days have been passing by rather quickly. I haven't been able to really remember what goes on in a given day, but I do remember moments. And yesterday was a big moment that I'd like to remember for a while. I could've stayed at that beach til the end of time. You'll hear all the details as to what we did yesterday in another post.

1. I love the feeling of sand between my toes.

2. Sea shells by the sea shore

3. In my favorite dress

4. Milk tea, snacks, and a good book

5. Orange and cream cheese, Vanilla Strawberry, and Chocolate Yuzu macarons

6. Oatmeal raisin, m&m chocolate chip, cookies n' cream ice cream sandwich

7. Beautiful day, beautiful view

Have a wonderful weekend my lovely readers!

Until next post,
Jasmine