Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Letting Go, For Now

This post has been sitting as a draft for weeks now. I didn't think I'd ever finish writing it, let alone actually publish it (well I'm trying to convince myself with each additional word I write). But Tieka's recent post, and the positive and supportive response she received from her readers has given me the strength and courage to be a little more vulnerable than usual here. I've also had such a great support system around me. I have the best friends in real life and here in the blogging world. Like Tieka, I am naturally a cheerful person and so my blog posts too tend to be cheery. So what I'm about to say will probably come as a shock to those of who don't already know.

Robert and I broke up in February, a few days after our 5th anniversary. But we still hung out afterwards, trying to figure things out and make things work--which explains why recently I've posted pictures of us going to the beach and other places. I'm thankful to have had those wonderful moments with him to look back on because I think some of those days were the best we've ever had. I think I needed that extra time to reassure myself that it was the right decision for us, and to accept that there'd be no more Jasmine-and-Robert anymore. But for now, it's all over. I'm just Jasmine now. And I'm okay with it. Really.

It has been a long time coming actually. Months prior to the break up, I had been feeling a little suffocated, and he had been feeling a little neglected. I wanted to spread my wings, and be a little more independent. I reconnected with my friends, and it was hard balancing everything, especially in the Fall and Winter with school, work, and applications all going on too. Resentful feelings had built between the two of us, and in the end, we just realized we weren't making each other as happy as we used to. We didn't even fight about it. The break up was truly mutual. Since the break up, we've toyed with the idea of getting back together, but I think we were just trying to hold on to something that just isn't there anymore--the passion and need for each other. I think we've outgrown each other. We're just not the same people we fell in love with in high school. I can't be that girl anymore, and I don't want to be--just as I can't expect him to be that same guy he was five years ago. For now, I just want to immerse myself into graduate school and my career, and to be honest, I just want to be selfish for once. I want to do what I want, when I want to, and with who I want to. I want to be single, not so I can date other people, but so I can learn to be and to love myself again. I feel like in the years we've been together, I've lost a lot of myself and I didn't really like the person I had become either. But I'm slowly getting me back. I'm glad we can part amicably and as friends. I'm also relieved that I don't regret our relationship, and I will be forever grateful for all that he has done for me. He was there for me when I needed it most. I know we'll still be friends because he's become my best friend over the years, but it's definitely time for me to walk on my own two feet again.

He'll be going to the University of Hawaii for a second bachelor's in Computer Science in the Fall, and I have decided to go to UCI, which starts in a few weeks actually. I'm sure we'll hang out a few more times before he leaves, but I'm so happy that we're both following our dreams. It just seems like everything is falling into place and has happened for a reason. I usually don't like change, and yet I can't help be a little excited that my life is going to change drastically from all of this. I'm going to be single for really the first time, and I'm going to be a grad student. One thing I hope won't change is Transient Withdrawal. Even though Robert took my photos, I've been getting better at self-portraits so bear with me until I get into that new routine. I'm excited for the new adventures that are coming my way, and I hope that you all will stay and experience them with me!

Until next post,


  1. Congratulations on taking your big step in life! I'm sure it'll be really hard at times, but I think for the most part you'll be just fine. Very glad to hear that you and Robert have parted ways but still decided to stay connected. As a reader, I cannot wait to grow with you through your blog and hope to still see the cheerful being that we all know!

    Good luck, Jasmine!

  2. You know what else will still be around? The Dynamic Duo. I love you and I'm so glad you posted this. You're stronger than you know. <3

  3. You're going to be amazing at this. Promise.

  4. Sometimes it seems like the biggest changes in life all come at the same time - like a windfall. It's crazy and hectic, but I've come to like life in all it cluttered, craziness. I think it helps us grow. Change is what it is and comes when it does. All we can do is hold on to the things that truly make us happy. I hope you have a delightful rest of your week, and good luck preparing for UCI! How exciting. :)


  5. Thanks for sharing and I remember feeling that exact same way at the end of my 5 year relationship with my high school bf. I think you made the right choice!

  6. Oh my God, Jazzy. I can't believe I just read this post :( I'm feeling a little sad (of course!), but I can't be more happier and prouder for you that you're taking this all in like a true champ. I'm also happy to hear that Robert is moving on as well. I can only wish the best for the both of you, together or not. You have a bright future ahead of you, so don't waste any time :)


  7. Jasmine,
    I'm proud of your for finding your independence & not forgetting yourself. It's great that you both realized the situation - it's not any one's fault. Life happens. You have a great network of friends, bloggers, etc who will always be there to support you. Stay strong!

  8. Lots of love to you, Jasmine! I feel like your eagle wings are spreading & the happy, exhilarating, scary, strange, beautiful places you will see and pass and stop to exist in are all on your horizon, all the time! It's not easy to talk about love and moving on and the other bits of our lives publicly on a blog, but you did it with such grace and beauty. I'm thinking of you and excited to see you in the Fall/summer? I passed by the fried chicken place you me and Jen went to last year, and totally had a tear rolling down my cheek because it was such a happy memory! love, Jenny

  9. You're amazing Jazzy, I still have the origami heart you made me however many years back, and whenever I see it, I smile knowing that I have an amazing friend that I've never even met!

    I'm glad to hear that you've come out of it stronger than ever and even in your moments of doubt, don't forget that you are where you are for a reason. Good luck with all your future endeavours! :) xo

  10. I can relate to so much in this post Jasmine. I'm so proud of you for making the decision you wanted to make, and for being brave enough to post this here. I hope we get to hang out when you visit New York in the fall! <3