Letting Go, For Now

This post has been sitting as a draft for weeks now. I didn't think I'd ever finish writing it, let alone actually publish it (well I'm trying to convince myself with each additional word I write). But Tieka's recent post, and the positive and supportive response she received from her readers has given me the strength and courage to be a little more vulnerable than usual here. I've also had such a great support system around me. I have the best friends in real life and here in the blogging world. Like Tieka, I am naturally a cheerful person and so my blog posts too tend to be cheery. So what I'm about to say will probably come as a shock to those of who don't already know.

Robert and I broke up in February, a few days after our 5th anniversary. But we still hung out afterwards, trying to figure things out and make things work--which explains why recently I've posted pictures of us going to the beach and other places. I'm thankful to have had those wonderful moments with him to look back on because I think some of those days were the best we've ever had. I think I needed that extra time to reassure myself that it was the right decision for us, and to accept that there'd be no more Jasmine-and-Robert anymore. But for now, it's all over. I'm just Jasmine now. And I'm okay with it. Really.

It has been a long time coming actually. Months prior to the break up, I had been feeling a little suffocated, and he had been feeling a little neglected. I wanted to spread my wings, and be a little more independent. I reconnected with my friends, and it was hard balancing everything, especially in the Fall and Winter with school, work, and applications all going on too. Resentful feelings had built between the two of us, and in the end, we just realized we weren't making each other as happy as we used to. We didn't even fight about it. The break up was truly mutual. Since the break up, we've toyed with the idea of getting back together, but I think we were just trying to hold on to something that just isn't there anymore--the passion and need for each other. I think we've outgrown each other. We're just not the same people we fell in love with in high school. I can't be that girl anymore, and I don't want to be--just as I can't expect him to be that same guy he was five years ago. For now, I just want to immerse myself into graduate school and my career, and to be honest, I just want to be selfish for once. I want to do what I want, when I want to, and with who I want to. I want to be single, not so I can date other people, but so I can learn to be and to love myself again. I feel like in the years we've been together, I've lost a lot of myself and I didn't really like the person I had become either. But I'm slowly getting me back. I'm glad we can part amicably and as friends. I'm also relieved that I don't regret our relationship, and I will be forever grateful for all that he has done for me. He was there for me when I needed it most. I know we'll still be friends because he's become my best friend over the years, but it's definitely time for me to walk on my own two feet again.

He'll be going to the University of Hawaii for a second bachelor's in Computer Science in the Fall, and I have decided to go to UCI, which starts in a few weeks actually. I'm sure we'll hang out a few more times before he leaves, but I'm so happy that we're both following our dreams. It just seems like everything is falling into place and has happened for a reason. I usually don't like change, and yet I can't help be a little excited that my life is going to change drastically from all of this. I'm going to be single for really the first time, and I'm going to be a grad student. One thing I hope won't change is Transient Withdrawal. Even though Robert took my photos, I've been getting better at self-portraits so bear with me until I get into that new routine. I'm excited for the new adventures that are coming my way, and I hope that you all will stay and experience them with me!

Until next post,
Jasmine