It's kind of ironic that the last time I posted on this blog I talked about fresh starts. I still stick by what I said back in February--that fresh starts aren't limited to just the new year, and so with a not-so-heavy heart, I have decided to start a new blog with my partner in crime, Brandon. I will always think fondly back to Transient Withdrawal and how it helped me grow so much as a person; however, you can't start the next chapter of your life if you are re-reading the last one. And sometimes I felt I was literally re-reading the last one here.
The girl who started this blog wasn't sure of who she was and what she liked or disliked. She didn't know where she was going in life. She had a distorted view of love and had naive expectations about life. And while the girl who is leaving this blog is still very much those things, she's just a little bit more sure of who she is, and what she likes or dislikes. She knows just a little better about where she wants her life to go. She's still unsure of what love is and may still have naive expectations about life. She's really not all that different, but she's stronger, more unapologetic, and closer to figuring it all out.
What better way to celebrate being single than with crazy tribal pants? Valentine's Day didn't make me any more aware of my singleness because I've been relishing in it lately. At this time in my life when I have more friends who are either engaged or in serious relationships than single ones, I've made the conscious choice to stop online dating (those stories will be saved for another day) and to just be guitlessly selfish, because I can. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for those friends, but I just feel like your mid-twenties is such a messy, awkward, and fun time in your life that no one really writes songs or stories about. And I don't want to miss any moment of it. It's like being in high school again--being unsure of yourself, figuring out who you are, who you want to be, and what you want to do--except this time around, you can drink and you sorta have money to travel. All the while, you're starting a career that might not be the right choice, paying off loans for said maybe right choice, and trying to find someone to spend the rest of your life with. I just think that we're married for a lot longer than we are single, so love and marriage can and should wait for me to grow up a bit more.
Fresh starts aren't limited to just the new year--they can happen any day and everyday. For a greater part of January, I let dark thoughts eat away at my zeal for life. I started questioning my career choice and who I was--the typical quarter life crisis symptoms. It wasn't until two weeks ago while standing in a dressing room in a dress that was too small for me that I realized that I needed to take my life back and stop giving other people, especially those who hurt me, the power to control my life and my emotions. I was out of excuses for myself, and so I started taking better care of myself: running/hiking more frequently, eating better foods, putting more thought in my outfits, and learning to say no. I feel like I'm slowly getting myself back together, and I'm becoming the person I want to be. Maybe it's because I was in such a dark place mentally, but I've taken a recent liking to all things black and grey.
I spent part of last weekend exploring The Orange Circle with an old friend, Tina. We got coffee inside of a bank and passed by some cute little shops. Next to a Starbucks, we stumbled upon this little grungey gem of an alley and met a poet who was taking his head shots there. It felt nice to feel like I was someplace else for a little while, even though we were still in sunny Orange County.
The start of a new year always brings about reflection of the past and hopes for the future. 2013 was definitely the best year of my life, and I'm pretty bummed that it wasn't documented here on my blog. I graduated, found a job in Orange County, went to Disneyland over 20 times, explored LA and San Diego, started dating casually, dyed my hair brown, got a smart phone, went horseback riding, and had some of the best nights of my life. I feel like 2013 was a process--a process of rediscovering who I am, of starting my career, and of rebuilding my home base by reconnecting with and making new friends--and now that I've done all that, I just know that 2014 will be my year to just...be. To be me!
I was shopping with a friend the other day when I stumbled upon a brightly colored, sailboat printed top. I held it up and thought to myself, "A year ago, I probably would've bought this in a heartbeat." My friend thought the same and then commented just how much my style has changed over the past year. And it was then that I realized that it has changed for the better because I feel that I've changed for the better. I've traded in the peter pan collars, polka dots, bows, and sailboats for speckled knits, slouchy beanies, and ankle boots. I feel like the first half of the year was spent trying to look like how I should look being in grad school, and now I dress for me. After spending a year to find my footing, I have felt a void of creativity, and I've truly missed blogging and photography. You always have time for what you put first, so I think it's time to put myself first more this upcoming year. Every year I make resolutions (and I think I did pretty good on the ones I made last year), but I think this year I just want to stick to one...to just be better and happier than I was last year.
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