Thursday, June 28, 2012

Hopes and Fears

Phew! My first week of grad school is almost over. All that's standing in my way of my three day weekend are three articles to read and six hours straight of classes this afternoon, in the same classroom with no windows. It's been pretty draining and overwhelming already. It's been hard to keep up with all the reading, and I already felt like I was behind on the second day. Going back to being a full time student is like riding a bike: I've already settled into a routine of going to bed before midnight, and waking up before 8AM. It has been really enlightening learning about the disastrous, broken, and cyclical state of our country's education system, and also meeting people from all different walks of life. Even though I've been kept busy, I can't help but still miss my job and my kiddos. I realized this week that I am no scholar: six hours of work is so much easier to get through than six hours of class, for me at least; but I am determined to get through this year, and to do it well. And so while I do think it's ironic that I'll be teaching students (and require them to be scholarly when I am not), I do think it'll be better to teach them that determination can overcome anything.

It still feels surreal that I'm a grad student, and that in a little over a year, I'll be a real teacher. I love that being in this program has given me a sense of belonging, purpose, and responsibility; however, as the week wraps up, I'm also filled with some fear. Fear of history of failed reforms repeating itself; fear of becoming one of those examples of an inadequate teacher; fear of not having enough strength to endure the inevitable rough beginning years to come (apparently, a lot of new teachers quit after a year). I hope that all these fears will motivate me rather than dissuade me. I just don't know if I'm ready to take on the different roles of being a teacher that we've learned about, especially that of being a mentor. Sometimes I wish I could go back to work, where I was comfortable and didn't have all this impending responsibility; but I hope in a year's time I'll feel differently.

I don't know how often I'll be able to keep up with my outfit posts since most of my time is now spent on reading articles, but I will try, especially since every weekend is now a three-day one. I think, for once, I haven't felt guilty about not posting. True to my word though, I have been wearing loose tops and high-waisted shorts everyday this week. I am in the process of writing up my first Teaching Tuesday post too, so I hope to finish that up this weekend after my GRE exam on Saturday (ugh).

Until next post,