Just Give Me a Reason

I'm back--with brighter jeans and an old pair of oxfords! I can't say that my blog posts won't continue to be spotty over the next month, but I don't think I'm quite ready to say goodbye to the ole blog quite yet. Even after three years, it still continues to be my escape from life and my outlet for creative expression. That is not to say that there hasn't been an uncomfortable and unspoken pressure to maintain a certain kind of and level of content, which is why I felt the need to step away for a while. Nicole said it best in her most recent post: Blogging makes me care about things that I normally wouldn't care about. Because in real life, does it matter how my clothes will photograph? Does it matter that I don't have a boyfriend to take flattering, editorial photos for me? Or that I don't live in a place that has cool backdrops for a post? Does it matter that I wore jeans in my last post? No! Because I actually love where I live. Because I buy clothes for how they feel and fit, not how they photograph. Because I am enjoying being single right now. And because jeans are just what I want to wear everyday. I needed to remind myself that this is just a blog. It should reflect my life, not run it.

With that being said, my life has been crazy busy as of late! As exhausting and draining as student teaching is, it has been absolutely wonderful and so fulfilling. Nearing the end of this placement, I've been doing a lot of reflection of how far we--my students and I--have come since the very first day of school. In a few short weeks, I'm going to have say goodbye to my third graders and hello to a new class to finish out the rest of this school year. To say that I really don't want to leave is an understatement. I've grown so attached to my students that the thought of leaving them just breaks my heart. As part of my credential, I need to complete and pass this monstrous project called the Teaching Event for which I need to plan, write, analyze, reflect, and film myself teach a whole math unit. I started filming my geometry unit on Thursday and my students have just been amazing. I cannot wait until this thing is turned in at the end of March. I'm also just overwhelmed with how quickly time seems to be passing by recently. I only have three weeks left of this quarter, fifteen until I complete my credential, and about twenty until I'm done with this program. My brother is already planning on how he's gonna use my room when I'm gone. I don't even know where I'm going to end up in the Fall and that makes me so anxious. I've been such a hermit this past week--swamped with schoolwork and just thinking a lot about everything--that it was really nice escaping to Disneyland for a few hours yesterday with my friend, Andrea. I wore all my favorite things as of late: colored denim, easy black tops, and this denim jacket.

Until next post,

Jasmine

denim jacket - gap

top - forever 21

jeans - gap

shoes - urban outfitters

headband - forever 21

photos by me and andrea

Lately

I probably sound like a broken record at this point with this being my sixth post in 2013 so far, but I'm sorry I've taken another unexpected break. To be honest, I'm really not sure if/how blogging fits into my life anymore, or rather if/how I fit into the blogging world anymore. Sometimes I can't believe I've been doing this for so long. I guess while I'm at it, I'll have to admit that I've been toying with the idea of quitting my blog lately. Student teaching has taken over my life, and with whatever spare time I have, I've been spending it with friends. I've had a rough couple of weeks--losing confidence in myself and in my abilities. It was the first time I ever doubted if teaching was the right career pick for me. I kept imagining that I was running towards this huge wall that I wouldn't be able to climb over, but I think I'm slowly regaining my teaching mojo back this week.

I still enjoy shopping (maybe a little too much), getting dressed, and using my outfits as a form of expression, but I'm just not the same girl who started this blog. I feel like over the past three years that I've been blogging, I've branded myself to be this simple, girly, casual, color-wearing, California girl. And while I still am a lot of those things, my style has experienced this shift from girly to "hipster" over the past few months. And while there's nothing really wrong with that--in fact, I've been really enjoying my new style lately--I just don't feel right blogging here on Transient Withdrawal not being that original Transient Withdrawal girl who you hopefully still love. I almost feel like an impostor on my blog. Even though this blog has documented my style change from daily wearing bows in my hair to never wearing jeans to now wearing only jeans, I don't think the change has ever been so sudden or contrasting or even this conscious. The other day I went to the bathroom during class, and when I walked past the mirror, I was confused for a bit at who the girl staring back at me was--slouchy beanie, ankle combat boots, skinny jeans, and a loose sweater. When I did start dressing like that hipster who I openly hated but secretly admired? That's the moment I realized just how much I and my style have changed. Honestly, when I first started dressing like a hipster, I thought it was just a phase that came out of my singleness. That maybe for some reason, now that I'm without a man, I needed to start dressing more like one? But it seems to be sticking as I accumulate more slouchy sweaters, a cactus printed shirt, and random accessories. It's a different look to match the different me. It's only natural for my style and my blog to change alongside with me. I feel like I'm just starting to come into my own person, and it's been great rediscovering myself. At the same time, I just feel a little uncomfortable inadvertently inspiring others when I'm not really sure what I'm doing. I was always the student who would never raise her hand unless she was 100% sure she knew the answer, and I guess the same thing is happening here. Like an angsty teen, I'm experimenting and figuring out what my style is: awkwardly becoming this hipster who needs to still look presentable and sophisticated as a student teacher, and who is also starting to wear heels and makeup during girls night outs. Transitions are always awkward. Always.

I'm really not sure what's in store for Transient Withdrawal at this point. I would love for it to still document my growth and change for another 3+ years, but apart from my silly feelings, time is another issue. I haven't taken a proper set outfit pictures of my own since 2012! I actually miss getting that creative time to myself, so I'm hoping that now the sun is still out for a bit after 5PM, I can fit in some outfit shots here and there. I just wanted to pop in and say hi and let you all know where my head is at.

Until next post,
Jasmine